Parenting can make me feel like I suck harder than I ever thought I could suck at an activity (okay, I might be worse at sewing). Though I love my daughter deeply, she’s slammed me into my breaking point for nearly eight years (it began in utero). My daughter has made me reexamine who I am, not just as a parent, but as a human. Though I have always viewed myself as empathic, loving, and patient, somehow, she elicits the raged-filled-yeller of a psychomom in me. During Jordana-crazy-time, Keith and I stare at each other (or at the liquor cabinet) with the same question, “How did our genetics and child rearing skills go haywire?”
We are sure Jordana’s career path will go one of three ways:
A) Lead Fortune 500 company.
B) Work the pole to piss us off.
C) Run drug cartel.
Reader, I reassure you, we are strongly encouraging option A).
Academic Future of Doom:
I pawned Jordana off at daycare when she was a bitty infant, and ever since then, she has accrued a long string of euphemisms. “Natural leader!” “Strong willed!” “Future lawyer!” Triple UGH!!! Here’s the translation, “Damn she’s tough. Thank God we shove her out the door each day and recuperate on weekends.” By the time Jordana turned three, euphemisms about her “leadership” spiraled into her violations of the Pre-K code of conduct. I would rush in from work to snatch her, breathless, frizzy-haired, and void of patience, to be informed about a toy Jordana had ripped from another boy’s gentle hands. The next day Jordana refused to vacate a sweet, sobby little girl’s cot. Then, there were countless breakdowns when the fire alarm rang or there was a change in routine. Jordana was so petrified of fire alarms, each day, all day, she pleaded with the teacher to warn her if there would be a drill. The kid wasn’t just an evil-toy-grabby-monster, she was suffering.
All I could envision was Jordana’s academic future of doom….slumped over her desk counting the seconds until the bell, so she could bum a smoke, and even worse,GASP, drop out and join a band or a cult. All her potential, POOF, vaporized.
Fast forward to the start of first grade this past year, and this kid was obsessing over the piles of homework she would suffer through in second grade. Her worry thoughts were still running around in her brain like rank race horses. What presents itself as an incredibly annoying lack of motivation, carelessness, incessant question asking and tantrum-city, is most often anxiety and sensory stuff, but it’s taken us a while to unpack it. And it still ‘aint a cake walk.
So when I scheduled a teacher conference to discuss Jordana’s loathing for first grade reading, why was I shocked at the outcome? I was over the gagging, eye rolling, and seizures when I would encourage her to read and hoping for constructive strategies. As I wedged myself into a munchkin sized chair, the teacher peered down at me with a combo of pity and exhaustion. Her first exclamation was “Jordana wears me down. I only deal with her for around 4 hours a day with specials. I can’t imagine what it’s like to be her parent.” I grabbed the lady by the throat, ripped out her vocal chords, then stomped on them (okay, okay… just mentally, to avoid a felony charge). If that wasn’t enough, the teacher repeated it a second time, but very slowly: “Jordanaaaaaa really wearssssss me downnnnn.” I was still frozen mute, stuffing down my internal Jeffery Dahmer. Although this wasn’t breaking news, I was socked in the heart yet again and ached to say, “ I’m sure your kids are prescription drug addicts with a mom like you,” but chomped my tongue before offering our anxiety spiel. Later, I regained my composure and crafted a polite email encouraging the teacher to work with me to support Jordana by focusing on her strengths versus her deficits.
The Exorcist:
Don’t get me wrong, we totally get that Jordana’s issues can make the Exorcist seem tame; it just throbs to hear it. One of the more recent “episodes” occurred last spring at the Jamesville Balloon Festival, a lovely family event full of sugar, rides, and hot air balloons. I was about to burst with Juliette, and I toted the two kids to meet up with friends. Things began normally, bickering over ice cream and groveling for ride tickets, but nothing I couldn’t waddle over to handle. We parked our folding chairs by a deflated balloon to watch as it magically grew bigger and bigger and shot up into the air, ready for launch. The balloon people suggested we move back slightly for safety, and we obeyed.
In the time it took the kids to scarf down ice cream, things went awry. The balloon filling was noisy. Jordana went from ice cream dripping euphoria to “that kid is nutso” panic. “Mom!! Move your chairs back. It’s dangerous.” The beached whale wasn’t budging. “Honey you move back; we’re fine.” The roller coaster was at the tippy top of the steepest hill, and I was too exhausted and pregged up to slam on the brakes. “Mom!!! Move back. Move back.” Jackson, quietly taking in the show with his ice cream pooling at his feet, perked up.
Next, all hell broke way too loose. “We are all going to die.” Damn. “Jordana, we aren’t going to die,” I said with mommy calm. But it was over. Her chanting grew louder and louder like a mantra: “We are all going to die.” “We are all going to die.” She was darting back and forth from innocent onlooker to onlooker hollering about the end of days. Jackson, taking his cue from his big sis, realized it was Armageddon and was wailing uncontrollably: “Mommy!!! We are going to die. Come on mommy! Come on!” I was screwed. My offspring were pouncing around trying to convince every festivalgoer that death was imminent, and I was a salted slug trying to stop them. My brilliant decision to show Jordana this was a safe event by staying put and ignoring her was now catastrophic. I hefted my butt up with help, folded our chairs, and ushered my hysterical children to the exit. Walk of shame…
The fact that I had to piss, hadn’t eaten, and spent an hour trying to get out of the parking lot didn’t uplift my mood I vowed never to attend again. Looking back, however, I survived the Balloon Festival of ‘16. We all did. The hardest morsel to swallow isn’t that this kind of stuff is pretty normal for us, but that Jordana’s childhood is not at all what I imagined for her. It’s not filled with innocence, finding beauty, seeing all the amazingness that lies ahead. She sees the catastrophe, the absolute worst, the bad stuff. Her play therapist recently told me “This is Jordana. We can provide her with coping methods and support, but she will always be anxious.” Though that stung like sriracha rubbed in a sore, I knew she was right. I can do my best to parent Jordana and explain her needs to others, but I can’t expect her to skip through childhood snatching at butterflies and dreaming about unicorns.
Here’s the Deal:
I won’t allow myself or others to define Jordana by her anxiety. My little girl has an immense heart and an incredible sense of humor (I wonder where she got that from, ha). She is a horse lover and wants to be a kindergarten teacher. She helps me survive every morning by entertaining her baby sis as I chug coffee and throw on clothing. She is protective of her brother, and though they get scrappy, I trust her to make semi-safe decisions. When I see the love and compassion in her eyes towards her family and her friends, I know we are doing pretty okay. I’ll admit it proudly, this kid is a lot like me.
What an amazing, heartfelt post. There are so many children and Moms these days going through the similar challenges. I’m sure your candor and vulnerability will be appreciated by anyone who reads this and is trying to get through the same challenges. I think Jordana rocks! She is smart, funny and insightful. I remember asking you for the Jordana chronicles when our friendship began. Two of my favorite stories are when she asked Siri where God lives, and of course when she learned that you and Keith were bullies. lol I’m sure the stories will get better the more she learns and the older she gets! ????
Thanks,Denise! She sure has kept us on our toes. I don’t see that changing any time soon. I would not have her any other way, but it was hard to write this.
That’s our Jordana, full of energy, curiosity , and determination. She is one amazing little girl and you and Keith are amazingly patient and loving parents. Just think, only 10 years until she’s off to college ! And oh, and there’s always sleep-away camp to allow you a chance to catch your breath!
Love ya all!
Mom, you know she wouldn’t last one night at sleep away camp… How bout you take her for a few weeks 😉
Sorry but I have a very hectic schedule????
I had no clue you had this struggle, but then again, what mom doesn’t have some sort of turmoil? I love how you are discovering her inner emotions, and nurturing the positive. Although difficult to see now, I’ll bet she grows up to be a very compassionate, loving young woman …. perfect traits for a kindergarten teacher, or any role she chooses. I’m guessing today’s struggles will be tomorrow’s gift. She sounds like an awesome little girl.
Thank you so much, Peggy. She really is awesome, and she surprises me all the time with her love and compassion.
I was just discussing with someone that no one ever prepares us for children. It is, absolutely, the hardest thing you will ever do. I told them how I was lucky to get good advice from my pediatrician. My mother raised 12 and offered no solid advice. The teachers didn’t want to help. And, most people are just glad their own child isn’t behaving as badly. He helped me with everything from my son slamming his head on pavement on purpose (told me to tell him to do it harder, never did it again after that) to time outs causing ridiculous breakdowns (hug him until he regains control and feels better, learned to control his own temper). I also had teachers say things I was shocked by. In one group teacher conference, middle school, all of the teachers but one were happy with his progress. This teacher had a completely different take on my son. As his advocate, it was my job to break it down and get a resolution. I asked the other teachers if anyone else had seen this, remained calm, and working with them all, asked that teacher if he’d be willing to try a different approach, such as making Greg his assistant in class. The teacher did not like him, power struggle, but, since the other teachers thought it was a great idea, he agreed. He called me weeks later to say that Greg was one of his best students now! Your Jordanna is an amazing child. Ask for solid advice from people you trust. Be willing to try things out of the box. And, since giving up is never an option, buy more alcohol!! Great piece!!!
This is such a great story, Peggy. I am sorry you had some similar struggles, but I love your role as an advocate for your son, and how you were able to change his teacher’s mind. We are trying to do the same, but it helps to hear others’ experiences. Thank you for sharing this about Greg. I think there are probably many mothers and fathers who can relate.
Hi Jamie,
We haven’t seen each other for a very long time but my mom passed this along and in addition to it being a very well-written, transparent, and honest post, I feel you’ve included some advice and anecdotes that resonate with me as I develop in the role of stepdad. I’m learning what I’ve always known as a teacher: kids don’t fit neatly into boxes. Our expectations of what “should” be are shaped by our own experiences and paradigms, and when we don’t see others – especially kids – fitting into our biased view of the wold, it’s a major challenge to change one’s mindset to understand that they’re not so much living in our world as we’re living in theirs’. Thanks for the reminder that kids are who they are – with many positives to be found – and we should try to love, respect, cherish, and appreciate them for their individuality. Like Mr. Rogers always told us, “You’re special just the way you are.”
This is so lovely, Matt! It is really nice to hear from you. Thank you so much for your eloquent words. It sounds like you truly have the mindset to be a terrific parent, and your child is lucky to have you in his/her life. I am glad you found my post relevant!