Family of 5 Searching for Mary P.

Are you nanny right?  Sane family in search of our perfectly sane match to begin a relationship tomorrow.  We enjoy stress reduction techniques, tantrum-free days, sleeping through the night, lazy mornings lounging until 6am, and clean laundry.  We promise you will fall head over heels for our angelic children, please see photo. ????????

(Note to self- edit out second picture-may deter potential candidates)

Here’s the Catch…….

Our miracle-worker/nanny of two years escaped our nest to pursue career aspirations beyond loving our little monsters (I know, crazy decision right?), so we’ve hit the market hard, a romanticless episode of the Bachelor, wooing a decent replacement.  Here’s the catch… A good nanny is hard to find in Central New York.  I should rephrase.  A good nanny is frustratingly-damn- exhaustingly impossible to find.  A few long weeks trolling local Facebook groups, nanny sites promising Mary Poppins will launch onto our doorstep, and a desperate plea to local friends, still no damsel is snatching our red rose, pining for a second date.  Because I am huge hearted/appalled, I aim to provide nanny-wanna-bes tools as they navigate the process on their end.

Hot Tips for Boutique Childcare Associates (AKA Nannies)

1. Let’s talk fashion: Avoid boob busting tops and cameltoeish bottoms.  Though some spouses, (other than Keith, duh) may ogle your privates then hire you on the spot, bursting breasts are usually a no no.  My kids are already booty slapping, partially nude, while dancing to inappropriate music, so skintight fashion advice from a Kardashian groupie isn’t going to end well .  We’re not talking run out ASAP to invest in an Armani power suit and Tumi briefcase, but a t-shirt that covers your ta tas, and a genital-protecting bottom will help you clinch that ideal job.
2. Showing up: I know this is a tricky one.  Committing to an interview means you “agree to attend.” Leaving a desperate momma hung out to dry like crusty laundry isn’t cool.  Ditching out on the interview might send momma on a brief “vacation” to the local mental institution, and said momma won’t be afraid to stick you with the copay (Note to self- edit out last bitchy line or no nanny will want to work for you).

              Excuses such as the following (sadly, these aren’t my creative gems, I heard them all last week)…

• OMG Triple A is here I got a flat tire. I sent you a text this morning, you didn’t get it? 
• Sorry I double booked and can’t make our interview in an hour. Can we reschedule?
• Something came up. I can’t make it.
• My niece is really sick.  I have to get to Urgent Care (even though the interview is in ten minutes #bigfatliar)
• Or the slimiest… No limp excuse, no text, PM, DM, smoke signals, singing telegram. I straightened house by stuffing everything into office, bribed kids with ice cream to  hide the crazy, and slapped on sane face for no good reason???  You are dead to me.

3. Honesty or semi-honesty: We will be up front when we say our kids can be “difficult,” and require someone with a strong gag reflex.  So if you don’t like the location of our McMansion, a sarcastic boss, or serving organic mac and cheese, don’t be a bobble head, all noddy, “I can’t wait to start next week!!!”  How bout, “I wan’t to think about it.”  Not astrophysics.  If you commit to starting Monday, and midnight Sunday the text slides in announcing your glamorous gig as personal chef for the Kidz Bop Kids, it’s mental hospital time, and after shock therapy, I will hunt you down to toilet paper your house (Note to self-remove this last line.  Seems psychotic).
4. Liking children:This is super pertinent, so break out the highlighter before posting this list on the fridge.  It’s an excellent idea to act as if you can stand children, aren’t repulsed by them, or better yet, truly love them!  Once you actually show up to the interview, you are so close to snatching the job, you can taste the germs, dirt, and throw up!  Even if you fake it, attempt phrases like “your kids are adorable.”  Then, get this, interact with them!  If deep in your sooty heart, you believe kids are devil’s spawn, hosting at Chili’s is the better option, plus bonus, free chips and salsa instead of the complimentary stomach bug.
5. Over-committing: Wow, it’s commendable that you go to school full-time-online-after-nine, volunteer weekends at a shelter, care for an ailing aunt and are an artisanal barista.  Is it Monster or RedBull that works best?  I hate to slam you with bad news though, adding one more job to your precariously stacked Jenga game will cause your life to topple over faster than a hoochie in high heels after a long night at the club.
6. Punctuality: I know it’s weird, but if you take a job, your employer expects you to show up on the daily.  And it sucks, but there’s another caveat- you have to arrive…on time!  If mom has to sprint out the door to make it to a meeting, she shouldn’t be panting from stress with the baby crooked in one arm, car running, and waiting to leap in like Wonder Woman on crack when you finally stroll in.  Leave a little early, even if it seems wacky.
7. Decent human being: Just gonna say it-hold in your passive aggressive Aholeness!  You killed it, got the job, but the shine of being a nanny is wearing off like week-old nail polish.  Gosh, it’s like… a real job???  True story here from bitter-nanny-gone-wild, if my kid slams your twenty year old pocked mark car with his rubber tricycle handlebar, and you demand compensation for an immediate, professional scratch buffing, you are a jerk.  If you say our kid has too many poopy underwear and should be more effectively potty trained, well Ms. Thang, Mickey D’s is hiring – when it’s your turn to tidy the bathrooms ,they’re squeaky clean.
8. Electronic devices:  Stay off phone.  Stay off ipad, ipod, ianythingimissed.  When you ‘re invited for a can-you-handle-our-insane-kids trial, then stuff your phone into the couch-crack or flush it down the toilet, we still SAW you.  If you take the job just to stick the kids to the computer, the TV, and sit tethered to your texts, they’ll rat you out faster than they tattle on each other.
9. Moola: Have you eaten a decent piece of pizza or a genuine bagel this year?  Attended a cutting edge art exhibition or play opening?  Seinfeld sighting at the local Starbucks?  I’m going to take a wild guess that the answer is NO because we’re in Syracuse.  Around these parts, we opt for a minivan instead of a Birkin bag, so if you’re demanding a nanny-takes-on-Manhattan salary, Pink, Suppernanny and Octomom better be on your list of references.
10. The right fit (meaning if we like you, take the job ASAP): Ultimately, if you find a perfect, kind, incredible employer who embraces you like dysfunctional family, even if the pay isn’t the highest, the kids aren’t all yes ma’ms, and you have to drive a tad further, take the job pretty please with sprinkles, crushed Reeses, and a cherry on top.   A bad match is a recipe for tuna noodle casserole, and that stuff is just nasty.